Feeling safe when shit happens

I had an amazing reading with an animal medium friend, Stephanie Hopkins yesterday. My Murphy Jones came through and the things he communicated were some things I already knew but didn't trust that I knew. However, something new that I didn't see it myself was said in the reading. It was said, the reason why Murphy's death was so destabilizing was because his death triggered an old and deep-rooted fear I carried. I was surprised but my egoic-self thought, "I know all my fears.... what fear I don't know about...?"

However, when Stephanie said, "he triggered your fear of abandonment." She went further and said, "If fell like if you don't control everything around you, bad things will happen," a memory came right into my mind. This memory was of when I was a little girl, my parents took me to a playground. I remember wearing a white dressy shirt. I rushed to the swings (it was my favorite) and I was having a grand old time. Then I looked around for my parents and they were gone. I remember feeling fear for being alone and fear for losing my parents. A short moment later, my parents popped out from behind a tree laughing. I rushed to them, and they said, "oh, you were so scared.... we hid from you because we wanted to see how you would react without us around." That was the memory that rushed to my mind when she said that Murphy's death triggered my fear of abandonment. (Funny how things show themselves right?)

I believe at that moment; my parents introduced me to fear of abandonment and this fear took residence in my home (back room) because I wasn't even aware he lived with me, but I am sure he influenced me for past 40 years.

Murphy's death had just uncovered this unwelcomed visitor. What an amazing gift disguised as pain.

When I was 7, my parents moved our family to the United States from Brazil. We flew in Kennedy Airport as tourists with intentions to stay. However, for a long time we were undocumented, meaning we were not citizens. My family, we were well behaved undocumented citizens though. My parents paid taxes, we paid everything citizens paid but because we were illegal, we were not able to enjoy the benefits of citizenship. I even graduated Rutgers University with a degree in Biology and my sister to nursing school without any government assistance but out of the hard work of my father who paid for all of it himself.

Because I came to US at such a young age, I have always felt that US is my home and because me or my family members could be deported at any moment, I carried the fear of possibly being abandon with me tightly, almost like a parasite, eating up all my energy and lifeforce without my knowledge.

Feeling unsafe and always at guard, praying deeply that my parents were kept safe was my normal even as a very young girl. (Looking back, I understand why I developed MS. My nervous system was always at fight or flight status. It is no wonder)

Murphy's death subconsciously showed that I was still unsafe. That if I am not in full control bad things could happen. It subconsciously poked all those past fears and it hurt.

The question is now, how do I work with these unwelcomed fears residing in my home. I can't just kick them out because they have been here for too long. They will not leave at demand. They have established patterns in my thinking already. They won't leave just like that. So, what I decided to do is invite them for coffee and have a talk with them.

As we talked, they told me that they kept me safe. They needed to; I was their job. I wasn't taught to trust. I was told to trust God, but it was an empty command. Fear for me was the opposite of trust. With fear walking with me at such a young age, I developed a pattern of always being in control. If I knew what was happening at all times, I could avoid bad things, see it before it happened. Always ahead of the game.

However, as I developed this way of falsely feeling safe by always being in control, my body obey my thoughts and it was always on guard, fight or flight, always on. Not only did it zap most of my physical energy, but every time that fear was triggered even if by listening to a stranger's conversation of how bad things could get, I created a trauma. Small pockets of fear held in various body parts, in my case my nervous system. When Murphy died and the fear was triggered, alarm sounded off in my body to subconsciously told my physical, emotions and spiritual selves that I was not safe. Consequently, took me offline with God source, I felt alone and sad.

Yes, I hurt for missing my buddy, the void of his warm physical body created a huge void in my life but the anger of it was because I felt blindsided. I felt like I failed because I relaxed, put down my guard and this happened. I felt it was my fault. If I was more careful, I would have noticed something and prevented his death.

The fear just watched me as I revealed his purpose myself, for him.

I stopped talking and stared back at him then I said,

How can we be friends?

He looked down for a few seconds, then looked at me and replied,

"You have to trust that no matter what happens in your life, even the shitty stuff is for your own good. You allow life to unfold. You find the patterns (your tendencies) that are navigating you and make the conscious choice to either redirect to your thoughts or accept them. You are always aware of thoughts. Allow things to happen and don't take anything personally. You trust that your life is sacred and nothing short of a miracle. Trust that you are held by God source and only highest and best is for you. When confusion, disconnection and sadness come, you don't ride the wave with your surfboard but step to the shore and watch it unfold. You remember how the sand feels under your feet and you watch the waves of insecurity, fear or grief come and then recede. Please remember you are on solid ground. You disconnect yourself from the surfboard and let it go. You remember that you can't drown on the sand. Waves might be in front of you, but you are not riding it. It might look scary as the waves go up high and come down violently. You may think you won't survive but if you look around you are not in the water. As a matter of fact, you are not even getting splashed from the waves coming down. You are safe.

The waters always calm after a storm. Your trust that the universe, God source and your spirit guides has only the best for you, you can't doubt that ever, even when the bends on the road are unexpected and changes your direction."

Fear took a deep breath and continued, "I won't leave you but when you notice my presence in your daily routine, use me as a reminder to reaffirm that you are indeed on solid ground, and you are safely guided. I can't guarantee that I can keep you from ever experiencing situations you may find hard or emotionally draining but I can help you remember that your life is a sacred experience and trust will get you through whatever storms come your way."

The transition of my Murphy Jones into spirit highlighted a huge disconnect I had within myself. I have been walking around like the world was always about to take something from me. When it did take my Murphy, it validated my fears, and it scared the shit out of me. I can't control how my life will unfold. Those bends on the road are always unexpected. This experience has showed me that when shit happens, life will take care of me, if I allow it.

I can read a million books, meditate hours daily but if I don't release the control, God source can't show me his miracle because I keep on meddling in.

(Examples of how I meddle in: God and I are on a drive somewhere. God says turn left, there's traffic up the road if you go straight. I say, turn left? No, that road is bumpy. God replies, yeah but this car has big wheels it won't really feel the bumps. I say again, the road ahead makes sense. God adds, but you will avoid all the craziness ahead, it will delay you, cause frustrations, you will get home tired. If you turn left, it will be easy breezy, I quickly say, nah...the road ahead just makes sense. An hour later stuck in traffic.... God why aren't you helping me...I am stuck in traffic; I am hungry and need to go to bathroom.... Where are you God? You left me alone!!)

I miss my doggy so much. He was a huge ball of light in my life. I realize that even after his death, he is still showing himself in ways to bring me more light and peace. He has showed me that next level trust is scary, but it will bring you home without traffic. He showed me how amazingly things unfold when we are out of our own way. He showed me how amazing he was while in