Transcript Podcast #1

Hi everyone. My name is Anna and today I will be sharing with you an experience I had about a month ago. I feel it's important to share this because this was a bend on the road of my life and it caused me to refocus, assess my life again and reprioritize my values and goals. 

We are brought up to think that not sharing our feelings is the right thing to do. It keeps our privacy, it keeps the image of perfect life to others intact. However, I feel that is wrong. Not sharing keeps us isolated and feeling alone. We then think that our experiences are somehow only happening to us because we are somehow flawed and made a mistake that caused us to experience pain, loss or just simple frustration. I believe it is important to share experiences and feelings associated with it because first, it releases the energy stored with that experience and second humanizes us. Sharing the good, the bad and ugly allows for belonging and vulnerability. We are not meant for isolation. Sharing with you makes me feel extremely vulnerable and exposed but this zone of exposure is allowing me to grow into my soul purpose. I am allowing life to happen and this is where it is leading me right now. I appreciate you listening. 

Now before I go on I want to give you a little bit of my background. I am  married, a mother of 2 girls and a boy. In my early 20s I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and it changed my life completely. I am going into that experience  in future podcasts. I'm also a medium, I speak to spirits, I could communicate with them, I could see them, I could hear them.  In the past few years I have been committed to developing my mediumship. I have been searching and researching and digging within myself to understand more about myself and my purpose. I believe we all  have purposes and a soul mission so I am on a mission to find my mission. 

I want to talk about my experience of Losing my dog. My dog, Murphy Jones passed away about a month ago, unexpectedly, he's 7 years old. I’ve had the experience of losing a dog before but for some reason this hurt really bad. 

Murphy was a healthy dog. The night  before he passed, he was running around with my son like a crazy dog. That following morning he woke up not feeling well, just a bit off. I thought he had the stomach bug because I found vomit in the kitchen but he wasn’t sick sick.  He was still walking around following the morning rush to get the kids out the door for school. He laid on the couch as usual to be out of everyone’s way, again nothing usual.

 When the kids left, I found he had peed on my rug. Now, that was unusual, he never pees in the house. I told my husband to check on him because he didn’t seem like himself.  Then, I saw my husband carrying him out the door saying to me we got to go, grab keys, he needs to go to the vet right now. 

Still death was not what we were expecting, he had his head out the window on the way to the vet. The vet took him in right away, examined him and suggested he keep him for about an hour to run some bloodwork and x ray. He wasn’t alarmed, just concerned. He also thought something was off with him. About 30 min later he called me that Murphy was doing fine. They found something in his stomach that showed in the x ray. They were going to induce vomiting, but he was relaxed, and they started antibiotics because blood work showed elevated white blood cells. He said he would call me again in about an hour. And he did, said nothing came out of his stomach during induced vomiting but he was doing well. He was going to monitor him for a couple more hours and if he was still good, he could go home. He suggested maybe getting an ultrasound in the coming days to see what was in his stomach.

This was about noon already and I started to plan my evening. I told my husband  I would stay home with him tonight to take care of him instead of going to my kids basketball games and didn’t think much of it.

 About an hour later, the vet called me to check on him and found him unresponsive that he was gone.  Just like that, my Murphy Jones was gone. I remember yelling at him because I didn’t really understand what he was saying to me. What do you mean gone, gone where? Then I realized what he was saying and started crying like a baby… I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt tightness in my chest. I thought I was going to pass out. 

After I calmed myself I realized I still had to tell my kids. My husband and I picked up our kids early from school and we all went to say good-bye to my best buddy at the vet’s office. 

Murphy’s death really hurt, maybe because it was unexpected or maybe because I really loved him. I adored him. With the pain, came anger. I felt so angry at Murphy for leaving me, I was angry at God and my spiritual team for not giving me a heads up. I felt that because I was a medium and was aware of my spirituality I was immune to loss. So when Murphy left, I was so angry. 

Since I was a little girl I always believed in the afterlife because I could see and talk to spirit so with all that I felt that I was immune to sudden loss like I experienced. Almost like, I have a connection with the boss…I’m good! 

So you could only imagine how betrayed  I felt when my Murphy was gone. I adored that dog. I felt safe with my dog because he was mean when needed. No one would attempt to come in when he was home, especially when my husband wasn’t home. He became the alpha man of the house and took it upon himself to make sure the children and I were watched over. 

I would just stare at him because I thought it was the perfect looking dog and I don't I don't if anybody knows anything about vizsla, but they are velcro dogs, so he was always touching me there's always some warmth next to me and he was always next to me. I would joke around all the time that my dog was never taught about personal space Because Murphy was always in your face. 

For days I cried non-stop. I cried until  my face was actually raw by me wiping the tears. I kept wiping the tears off my face. I was in a pool of grief and sorrow and blame and victimhood. 

Questions like, “why would you do this to me? I trusted you? You left me? Came up… the waves of grief would come and go. I cannot believe how much I felt the loss of my dog.

However, I was not only dealing with the grief of losing my dog. I was dealing with feeling betrayed, feeling alone and feeling like I was lied to about God. My God wouldn’t allow this to happen. I felt that God was allowing me to drown, I wasn’t special anymore. I was like every other human strolling through life. Somehow, because I was a medium and I was doing my work to reawaken my spirituality I was special and the loss of my dog showed me I was not immune to pain and loss. 

Right after that realization, I was having a grief episode of crying like a baby on my couch. I remember saying out loud. Where are you God? My guides? My spiritual family? You have left me when I need you… then there was a silence in me as if the waves of grief had stopped and the ocean was quiet. Suddenly, a clear thought came in my mind. The thought was, “ you're trying to change the situation by resisting and you can't. Allow it to happen and unfold. Stop resisting.

I realized that  that was exactly what I was doing. I wasn't accepting it, I did not accept what had happened. By resisting the moment, somehow I felt it would change the outcome and my Murphy would come back.  At that moment, I allowed it almost as if I allowed the waves of grief to take over and they did. I felt my heart space release and pressure was gone. I also realized that I was closing my heart space when I resisted what was happening. That was the cause of the pressure and pain I was feeling in my chest. I felt lighter. However, I was still angry.

 I reached out to my mediumship mentor. This amazing person helping me develop and fine-tune this amazing gift of being a Medium.  So I called him and we talked about Murphy’s loss and how I felt like my spiritual family left me and how they did not assist me through this. Why would they even allow this to happen in the first place? His response to me was why are you making this about you? He told me that dogs and cats in general also have a soul contract and they come in to help us and they leave to help us. Maybe his leaving had nothing to do with me, maybe there's another member in the family that needed the lesson of loss. I was making it all about how I was hurting, how I felt about Murphy choosing to purposely leave to hurt me. Maybe it had nothing to do with me. Then he asked me if I had faith and I replied of course I did. He said,  well now you need to hold on to the faith like you life depends on it. You need to trust God and God's plan and allow allow things to unfold. Your spiritual family, God never left. You left them. You disconnected and closed off connections when you felt betrayed by them. Remember you are safe and even when grief comes open the channel to God again and allow it. 

It took me a couple days to actually understand what he was saying to absorb it and allow it to make sense and eventually it did. I realized that the pain that I was feeling for the loss of my dog was actually the love I felt for him. The depth of the pain was actually the depth of the love.  

I really loved him. I knew he was with me but I missed the physical presence of his body. 

At felt his presence so deeply that at one point, I asked him to please leave for a bit so I could heal. I could close my eyes and see him, feel him next to me. I asked him not too long to please return but right now  I need to heal for myself and my family. 

I was very fortunate to have never experienced loss before. I have lost other pets and grandparents, but all was expected due to age. When this happened it was like holy shit what is happening and what is the purpose of living if losing people and animals we love will happen. I really second guess life and its purpose. 

I also felt thankful in the midst of my anger, grief and sorrow. I was thankful that my children were safe, that my children were healthy, and I wasn't hurting for them.  I was so thankful, and I thanked God for that. God must have been so confused!!

 So, allowing the experience I came to realize how fragile life is. How things could change in the blink of an eye.  Also, I don’t want his passing to go without making a difference.  This loss highlighted how I was sitting around not doing things I want to do because of nonsense reasons. Why was I not taking the chances? Life could change so quickly.  

Take the chance. If there is only one thing you take from this is take the chance. Leap into what you love to do. What makes you forget time exists? Follow that…that is your purpose, your mission here. Don’t take that lightly. Do what you love. 

I promise you that even if you start doing it for one hour a day, 30 minutes, life will change. 

So that's the reason that I'm starting this podcast and I'm working on a website that I'll be blogging.  

My intentions are to help look at life differently when it's needed. I have a unique view of life. Being a medium gives me a peek into the background. I want to share a bird’s view of things. 

You know, when I do readings and  I communicate with  spirits that have passed. No one has ever told me that they should have worked longer hours or that rushing through life was worth it. What they do say mostly is I'm sorry I didn't show you I loved you, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. 

For me, this brings life into perspective like why are we loving more while we are here? Why aren't we doing the things we love with the people we love while we can?

One last thing I want to share…Tomorrow is not guaranteed. You know the morning when my dog passed I put a blanket on him. He was a skinny dog and always cold. Im in NJ so Feb is cold. He was laying on the couch and I thought he looked really cute.  I was gonna go get my phone to take a picture of him and then I didn't feel like getting up and I said to myself  ‘I'll do it tomorrow I'll put the blanket on him tomorrow again  and I'll do it tomorrow’. Well tomorrow never came. 

This is where I will end this podcast. Go out there and take that chance even if it's starting with trying a different coffee or taking a different route home. Start small if you need to but start.  Thank you for listening. Take what you need and leave the rest. Once my website is finished, I will share with you all. 

Thank you everyone again and much much love.